ps- i love you

Last night I texted someone that I was thinking of them and that I love them.  Immediately, I received a response saying I love you too! What's going on?

Why is that? Why is it so difficult awkward to express your feelings of love and care to someone else, or be on the receiving end of those same expressions of love?   On the other hand, why does it seem so easy to sit there and bash someone, have feelings of hatred and disgust towards someone, the un-approval of someone?  Better yet, why are the I-can't-stand-your-guts", and the "go-fuck-yourself" and the "I-hate-that-fucking-bitch" expressions of well, a different kind of love, so much more acceptable to throw out there every day?  Crazy, right?

And why is it so weird to hear those words too? Why does it feel so abnormal to be told you are loved?

Feels like we as a society are much better haters than lovers!  This, of course, comes as no surprise.

Think about it...for those of you either married or in a relationship of some sort, how many times do you say I love you to your "significant other" (which is funny in itself), versus the times you say I love you to those people who have been there since you took the first breath of air?  Uhmm.. see what I am trying to get at? 

Now, I know there are instances where those people who were supposed to be supportive and caring, and SIGNIFICANT, and what not, were not. But for the majority of people out there, they can still pretty much stand their parents or siblings or friends enough to call them once in a while.   Why on earth would you feel so damn comfortable saying I love you to a stranger you met a couple of months ago, like a boyfriend, and you probably can't remember the last time you said it to your dad, or your brother, sister, or even that very BEST friend you depend on every day.

A couple of years ago, after a couple of eventful months that would change my life forever, I vowed to myself to be better at letting people know I cared... and let me tell you.. it's fucking hard as hell!!!
I am better.. much better. I am better than probably most, but yet I don't feel like I have done good enough.  It feels so damn weird sometimes to be able to say those 3 little words that, well, should mean a whole lot.  I say it to some people ALL the time. I say it to my husband, I now say it to my peanut, I say it to my mom... but that's just it.  There is a reason why I say it to my mom all the time.. the reason was that I thought I was going to loose her.

 Yes, totally cliche and you totally saw that coming. But even with those life lessons we have all the time, why the hell do we not learn from them and keep them in practice every day.  We tend to forget so easily and we go back to our normal selves after the storm has passed, but what about tomorrow? What about when the sun stops shinning and all goes dark...like pitch black?  How will you feel then, will you hate yourself for not "loving" more?

And, yes I know, there are so many things we do that show we care.  That sometimes you don't have to say those words to make it known how you really feel.  Actions speak louder than words. And show that you care, rather than telling you care. BLAH BLAH BLAH... how many times have you heard someone say : "Oh I wish I had cut the grass more often for my dad before he passed"  or "I wish I had taken my mom to the store to go shopping with her before she had the heart attack"... and yes, those are important.  I am not by any means taking credit away from showing people your love... but don't you normally hear people say "I wish I had told him I loved him"  or "I wish I told her how much I cared about her", You see? 

If you ask me, I personally think that actions and attitudes do go a long way, and most of the time I am satisfied with just that.  I know who loves me without them writing me love letters everyday, but there's got a be a reason why people always feel regret in not verbally professing their love to those they have lost.  It has to be because that's the only way YOU know that THEY knew you at least had the balls to say it out loud to them! Because again back to my initial thoughts... it's TOO DAMN AWKWARD TO SAY IT. 
Most never find the courage to say it to those they love the most.  Sometimes, it almost seems like there is a feeling of embarrassment, a feeling of fear of rejection.  Like you are afraid to say it and the person laughs in your face, or they will not say it back and you feel even more awkward than what you did before you said it.  But it's not about them... it's about your feelings.  Once you bring yourself to that point, you feel a sense of relief, a sense of accomplishment.  I DID IT.. I got over my fear and told my dad or my uncle or my stepmother I loved them.  I had not done that in YEARS... probably never. There is a sense of peace!

I remember expressing my love to someone about a year ago or so... I had a drink or two in me, of course, to help the process, but I remember starting something along these lines: "In case I have not shown you enough, I truly appreciate you. I love you!"

 It was hard.. it was so fucking hard!

 It was not the same three or four people I say it often too. And when it was over; yes cause it seemed like it lasted forever, I felt so relieved.  I was nervous, my heart was palpitating, I got a little sweaty, I think I may have been shaking! I felt like now I can die and this person has heard it first hand from my mouth, my heart how I feel about them. They would probably remember that forever. Mission accomplished!

So I challenge you.. think of that one person who you have loved for so long, yet it has been so hard to let them know in words that you do! Think about how you are going to tell that person...

See, not so easy!